Who am I? I don’t exactly know right now, in this exact moment. I mean, at my core I’m the same me I’ve been since I could remember. I’m kind, caring, intuitive. I’m also quite smart, filled with common sense, and openly allergic to bullshit.
Yet as for who I am right now, regarding career goals, where I want to live, and which of my creative endeavors I want to truly poor my heart into….I don’t know any of these answers in this moment. And I find that it’s scary as hell, to wake up on some days and feel….aimless. Like, I know I want to create and I know I want to be financially free, and I know I want to be happy and healthy all simultaneously…. Yet right now, I’m not quite certain of the ways to go about achieving these things I believe I desire.
Sound confusing? Well it is! And in this moment…I’m so confused lol!
And guess what…. it’s ok. This is just where I am right now at the beginning of 2017. And please believe, I have zero plans of staying this way, but right now, it’s a necessary phase I’m in. I honestly believe I’m in perfect position to transition into my next amazing chapter of my life….
You see, all last year I focused on Clarity. I did a vegan cleanse for 140 days. I prayed with greater intention. I reflected. I worked on ideas. I lost 30 pounds. I did all of that. And I’ll admit that I didn’t rest much at all. Not. At. All! And it caught up with me as the holidays came around. But guess as a result of working on my and my dreams consistently….I GAINED CLARITY.
Yup, I gained a whole bunch of clarity, but ummmmm it wasn’t quite how I imagined. I mean, when I prayed and worked toward clarity, I suppose I ignorantly portrayed a world filled with rainbows, unicorns, and butterflies….
But honey let me tell you!!! Guess what came with that clarity I’ve been working my ass off to achieve? Just guess…..
A full plate of heartache, pain, downright sadness, and weird level of loneliness on the side! And I don’t remember envisioning this being part of my plan at all lol. But today…I can see ever so vividly how all of these emotions were necessary for my clarity process. And instead feeling as though all of these emotions were breaking me down, I see that all of this has actually built me up! And thank God for that!
But in November & December, I was not so clear on what was happening to my life. I was just so damn confused. I was like…hold up! I have been working my ass off all year to be happy and filled with clarity! But instead, it feels like my life has been turned upside down & inside out… and filled with clarity. And ummm…..
And just as an example, there were some relationships I had to let go of in 2016. And damn it was hard!!!!!! It was so hard on me and it was so hard on the “relationships” that are no more. And I’ll be real, the shit was hard from the very moment I began severing these relationships.
These relationships included those with people, beliefs, understandings, comforts, all damn kinds of relationships. And with each severance, my heart ached. It ached because I am human. It ached because of change. It ached because many of these relationships have been over a decade long. It ached because…well…now what?
And I’ve been stuck in the “now what” phase of things for longer than I expected. The human side of me was having a helluva time letting go. But now, on this day, January 5th, I’ve accepted that I must move on because I have goals to achieve and moves to make.
So I had to invest in a new pair of big girl panties and get back to getting shit done! And no, I’m not upset that I took 2 months to grieve the breaking of these bonds. No I’m not disappointed that I allowed myself to be human and be in my feelings.
Actually, I feel DAMN GOOD ABOUT THINGS! Why? Because I’m continuing to bloom just as I have been proclaiming and actively working on all of 2016. I am so proud of me. And I’m going to keep being my own damn cheerleader!
Thanks for listening to my random thoughts girl. It be like this sometimes. And that’s why I started this blog, so I can say what I want…whenever the fuck I want to lol. And yup, it feels good!
Always Ya Girl,